Last night was one of “those” nights. You know what I’m talking about. It was a night, following a day that had been less than stellar. And this day had followed a few weeks that had been less than stellar. I’ve been having a hard time getting motivated, doing more than “the bare minimum”. I’ve really felt like I’m just going through the motions, and missing out on a lot.
I made dinner, and cooked the pork chops too long so they were tough and really not edible. At least I didn’t think they were. The kids wouldn’t eat, at all, not the pork (which I don’t really blame them for!!!), not the corn or the potato patties. Nothing but pineapple! (I mean, who doesn’t love pineapple!?!?!) Since they weren’t eating we threatened to not go on our family walk that we’d been planning. They finally ate (mostly) and we prepared to go on our walk. Brianna, in a 5 year old fit of glory, decided she wanted to be pushed in the stroller and stood in the driveway throwing her melt down for everyone to witness. So I grabbed her by the arm and took her inside, telling the boys to enjoy their walk. I put her in her room, and put the garbage can next to her since she inevitably makes herself throw up when she gets really upset! (And yes, she did with this fit as well!)
When the boys got home we did our Bible devotional time and then were saying prayers. We went around for each of the kids to say what they were thankful for that day. Bri looked up at me, leaned her head on my shoulder and said “God, thank you for my mommy!” Well, I lost it. Having felt like an awful mommy for a few hours (days, weeks…) and having just heard her scream as she had marched up the stairs earlier “I wish you weren’t my mommy!” it truly made my heart melt!
After the kids were put into bed I was laying there fighting back the tears, willing them to just go away. Steven wrapped his arms around me and asked me what was the matter. Well, I lost it again and it all started pouring out! How I felt like I was constantly screwing up, I didn’t feel like I was enjoying the kids as much as I should be, was I doing the right thing by trying to homeschool Bri? She’s so percocious and strong willed. Will I break her because I just can’t let go and let her go to school like a big girl? (Now mind you, I know why we are choosing to homeschool and I’ll share that later, but when you’re emotional it’s hard to be rational!!!!) And I just kept going and going. He listened and then helped me brainstorm some ways that I might be able to change how I was feeling. We brainstormed some jobs we could start giving the kids so that I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed trying to keep up with the house. We talked about a routine that we need to start implementing to give the days a definite flow and purpose (right now it’s kind of helter skelter around here!). And more importantly he told me that I was doing a great job, and that he knew he didn’t have to worry about their education because they are getting the best teacher in the world!
So, even though it was “one of those nights”, I felt like maybe I should have them more often! I mean, it made him say “And if you’re feeling overwhelmed just say ‘Honey, I need you to do the kitchen, or the laundry, or whatever it may be! And I’ll do it!’ ” Hmmm…maybe I should have these break downs more often! Just kidding! But I think the lesson here is don’t keep it bottled up! If you’re feeling less than stellar, less than perfect (and who isn’t) and you’re just having “one of those days/nights” go ahead and have it! And let your husband know how you’re feeling! Chances are he doesn’t have a clue, and he might have some really good ideas that you’ve never thought of before!